Before Luke left he asked me to write down my thoughts and feelings throughout this deployment. There is a part of me that wonders if I should actually write these feelings down or if I should just blog about them. For now, I will blog about them, and please all you blog readers out there don't feel like you have to comment on my posts. :) It's ok, I'll be ok, sometimes I will just need to vent.
Luke has now been gone for 3 days and it feels like he has been gone for about a week or so. The hardest part was actually telling him good bye in the parking lot. The weeks leading up to this day I would constantly fight back the tears when I would feel them coming. I was mostly sad that he would more than likely miss the birth of this baby. Luke is always my rock in the hospital. He changes all the diapers, he burps the babies, he helps me to the bathroom, we talk, have fun photo shoots with our babies, and just enjoy being together. I'm constantly reminded that he won't be here for any of these things. Then, I get sad. Then I wonder if Ammon, Hailey, and Mackenzie will be ok. Can I show them all the attention that I'll know they need? That's when I feel the tears, and that's when I just make them go away.
It broke my heart to see Mackenzie crying tears as Luke told her bye, she didn't understand. Her blanket and paci fixed everything though. As for Ammon, he is just quite. He worries me b/c he is now petrified of the dark and has had nightmares every single night since Luke left. He told me about one of his dreams and it involved Luke getting hurt. Last night, he woke up on 4 different occassions and went running from my bed (he won't sleep in his bed at all) down the hall, yelling for Daddy. During the day when I try to talk to him about it, he seems perfectly fine. He says that he knows Daddy will come home soon and that when he does come back we can go do fun things again. I know he is hurting though. I'm not sure what to do!
Hailey is doing ok. She was a very unpleasant and unfriendly and just not a nice girl the first day he was gone. I finally asked her that night why she had been so "ugly" to all of us. She immediately said that she was being ugly b/c Daddy left us. Wow...I really hope things gets better! I really do. I'm hoping with time, we will all get better!!!
Prayer, sweet prayer!!!
2 comments:
I hope you don't mind when I comment. I think with time the kids will adjust. You will too, however, being prego and the lovely hormones that go with it won't help. I think you should do exactly what Luke said, all the time! You have an amazing support system, just look at all the comments you get on fb.
You can always call me! I will drop everything to talk! The late nights for you will work out great because it won't be late where I am! If it works out with Jeff's job, getting days off, he said I could look for a cheap fair at the last minute and go down there. I really hope that happens!
I love you babe, you are for sure my bestie!
Those first few days...weeks...are just hard! Please call me anytime you need to. I am here! I know nothing I say will make it "all better" but just know that you are amazing and everyone around you can see it. I am loving your posts so I hope this is the beginning of lots of your thoughts!
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